The Monster Under The Bed
Where the Wild Things Are… Accepted?
Meet the Monster Under The Bed. This beast of darkness that represents a shameful, frustrating, or inconvenient protector, what IFS calls an “exiled protector.” Our managerial parts just can’t accept the reality of this part and try to keep it locked up. As a result, we stay conflicted in an inner civil war, with the unaccepted part slipping out of our control every once in a while.
The monster under the bed is a protector in that it soothes pain. This may be through substance use, binge-eating or not eating, pornography, sexual proclivities, video games, running away, staying in bed, or anything we do that we find shameful. These types of behaviors have roots in our early years when we did not have many ways to deal with stress and they were implemented for our psychic survival. They served a valuable role in the overall system helping us to cope and hang on to our authenticity.
Yes, the unaccepted part is deeply authentic. It may be connected to our sexuality, our gender, our biological reality, our exuberance or “too-muchness”, our inner-hedonist, our appetite, our lazy-side, our childish longings, or any aspect of us that our parents could not accept but was fundamental to us.
Accepting our own monster is particularly hard because this inner work will likely not be supported by family and friends who reject their own shadow parts. It is also hard going because the way this part is acting right now is indeed very hard to accept.
In the healing process:
The monster under the bed operates like a safety blanket or a blanket of fog that soothes but does not allow the deeper pain to be processed and unburdened. Instead the system becomes enslaved by and addicted to the coping behavior and gradually lose power and momentum.
If forced to comply with a healing program, the unaccepted part will inevitably sabotage the healing process like a 500-pound orangutan. As extreme as it may be right now, this part needs to be loved and accepted in order to cooperate with our other parts. This approach calls for radical acceptance, not conditional acceptance. Thankfully, as this part begins to feel accepted, it starts to cooperate. It acts out less and starts to find adaptive and socially accepted ways that it can express itself. This could be in wild and deviant sexual play within a loving relationship, or it could be sublimated into art, comedy, or business. With acceptance, self-sabotage energy transforms into creative genius. There is a lot of raw power here.
How to work with the monster under the bed:
Notice when this protector rushes in and learn to slow down the behavior. The gap between stimulus and response is our freedom. Ideally do some mindfulness or embodiment before acting out. Given the way operant conditioning works, whatever we do before getting a dopamine hit will be rewarded and strengthened over time. The magical moment happens when we find we can resist the shameful behavior today.
Accept the part and find out what it’s really after. Most parts want to be seen, heard, and accepted and to be able to play and evolve. It can be very helpful to work with a therapist who is able to accept us completely and model acceptance.
Ask the part to cooperate in finding ways to reduce the harm it causes—e.g. a less harmful substance, a less dangerous sport, being more honest about its activities.
Reduce the overall pressure we are putting on ourself that is causing this part to rebel.
Practice “urge surfing” or other mindfulness techniques to learn to tolerate the difficult feelings that arise when we don’t let this part act out fully.
Evolve our life structures to incorporate this part if possible. Our life may look different to that of our parents or peers.
Resources:
Owning your own shadow - By Robert Johnson
Radical Acceptance - by Tara Brach
