Belonging and Exile: The Gay Man’s Paradox

I feel a flicker of not-belonging as I walk into a gym class filled with mostly gay men. It’s not that anyone says or does anything to exclude me. The feeling comes from somewhere older and deeper. It’s the sense of being both inside and outside at once — surrounded by people like me, yet wondering if I really fit in.

That tension between belonging and exile is something many of us know well. For a lot of gay men, it begins long before we step into gyms, bars, or any other adult spaces. As kids or teenagers, we learned to keep a close watch on ourselves. We edited gestures, hid crushes, stayed alert for disapproval. Psychologist Alan Downs, in The Velvet Rage, calls this the “afterlife of shame.” Even after coming out, the old fear of rejection remains. It seeps into our sense of self, often disguised as perfectionism, overachievement, or the relentless pursuit of validation.

Adulthood doesn’t erase the ache. Gay communities can offer safety, joy, and connection — but they also come with their own hierarchies. Rusi Jaspal, in The Social Psychology of Gay Men, writes about how belonging can protect mental health while also creating new pressures: the body ideals, the sexual roles, the subtle popularity economies. For some men, the very spaces that promise community can also stir up old wounds of comparison and exclusion.

Caught between a desire to connect and a fear of being rejected, we move through life negotiating that push and pull. It can be exhausting.

Therapy can be a place to pause that cycle. Instead of reacting automatically, we begin to notice the old voices at work: the adolescent shame, the adult comparisons, the subtle ways we exile ourselves before anyone else can. In the safety of therapy, it becomes possible to grieve those wounds and to imagine new ways of belonging that aren’t conditional or performative, but are based on who we really are.

The need to belong is wired into us as mammals. We feel it when others welcome us into the fold, but it’s just as important to welcome ourselves. That means gathering back the parts we’ve exiled — the pieces of us we pushed aside to stay safe, to fit in, or to avoid rejection. Therapy offers a place to do that work, so belonging isn’t just something that happens out there, but something we can also carry within.

If you’re feeling disconnected, at odds with aspects of gay culture, or simply uncertain about who you want to be, therapy can offer space to ask the bigger questions. The gift and the challenge of being gay is that we get to define ourselves. And we don’t have to do it alone!

Bret Hansen, AMFT

Bret is a Somatic Therapist at Beyond Psychology Center with offices in Echo Park, Pasadena and West Los Angeles. He works regularly with gay men as well as a broad range of individuals and couples. Bret is trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP), and Somatic therapy.

Bret has availability! Schedule a free consultation here.

Registered Associate Marriage and Family Therapist #155624
Supervised by: Steven Bradshaw, LMFT #136584